My Spiritual Path

For those of you who don't know, I've been learning as much as I can about ISKCON (International Society for Krishna Consciousness).  I've been fascinated by the religion since finding out that's the religion my boyfriend belongs to.  He's been helping me learn so much; reading the Bhagavad-Gita together once a week, going to the ISKCON temple, even just listening to him tell me stories of various events that happened to Krishna...  I just eat all this up.  There are some things I don't quite understand.  There are some aspects of the Ayurvedic medical practices that I don't understand, but I'm enjoying embracing all the new things my boyfriend teaches me.  I've actually been contemplating joining the religion, myself.  A few weeks ago, I had this really vivid dream that we decided was a dream about the religion, and about its leader, Srila Prabhupada.  Lately, I've really been thinking a lot about the various aspects of the religion.  I'm a little unsure about what I want to do, however.  A part of me feels...unworthy, to an extent.  I feel I have the capability to do what it takes to be a part of the community, but, I guess I always feel this way when I want to join in something.  I feel scared that I won't be welcome, or that I'll be taken as a joke.  To be perfectly honest, I've had a long streak of not really knowing where I stand spiritually.  I haven't really found a religion that I feel would be a good fit for me.  But I actually like how inclusive and how accepting ISKCON seems to be, from what I've been learning about it.  They seem inclusive of all types of people, and they seem to be pretty progressive.  The people at my boyfriend's temple seem so inviting and so kind.  I'm not really sure how I can go about getting more involved in the religion.  You know, to sort of test the waters as I go along.  I figure maybe attending a Kirtan (which is basically where a group of devotees come together to sing and dance and play instruments to celebrate Krishna), or something like that, might be a good next step.  

Anyway, I feel I'm about to start rambling here in a bit, so I guess I should end my post here.  I really am grateful to my sweetie for being so patient and teaching me all these neat things about his religion and about Krishna.  He's the best!!!  <3

One Small Step for Callie...

Yesterday was a good day, I tell you h'whut.  I pretty much got to spend the entire day with my honey, which...it's ALWAYS a good day if I can spend even some of it with him!  Anyway, our plan was to go to the temple he attends, Kalachandji's, and eat at their vegetarian/vegan restaurant and then he would show me the temple.  Well, that place is pretty bad on my anxiety.  Just the parking alone is kind of a bitch.  There's no actual lot, so people just park on the street.  Well, we get there and there's a huge lunch rush, so there's basically little to no parking.  I've got one hand on the steering wheel and one hand holding his, and as we're driving along my anxiety starts getting the better of me.  I feel my hand shaking in his, and he's trying to get a hold on it and to keep me calm.  I find sort of a place to stop on the side of the road, and I'm freaking out.  Pulling at my hair, on the verge of tears.  But my sweetie is so calm and tries to reassure me that everything's okay.  He was actually telling me that we should go somewhere else because he was so concerned about me.  I love how kind and sweet he is, and he's always just so thoughtful <3  But I was determined to at least get inside the building.  I drive around again, and park.  So we make it that far!  We decide at that point to just take it step by step, so the next step is to get out of the car.  Then he shows me the front of the building, and we end up meeting up with the temple president, who was super-nice!  He actually kind of "forced" us into the building.  I mean, I don't mean he physically forced us or anything, but my sweetie told him that it's my first time seeing the temple, and he was like, "Oh, welcome!  Well, come on in!"  So actually, it was nice having that "push" to enter the building.  Anyway, we get in, and we take off our shoes and enter the actual temple room.  I had been to Kalachandji's before, but not the actual temple room.  It was BEAUTIFUL.  There are all these beautiful pictures of Krishna at various points in his life, and it was such a wonderful experience letting my honey share the stories behind the pictures with me.  It was like I had my own personal tour guide!  It was amazing!  Anyway, I got a chance to see the deities in person for the first time, and I was impressed by their size.  The actual deities as well as all the flowers and beautiful decorations surrounding them took up an entire wall!  We got there at just the right time, because the curtain was about to close over the deities.  They had just eaten lunch, and were about to settle down for a nap.  But they stayed awake long enough for us to see them and say hello!  My sweetie also showed me the statue of Srila Prabhupada, the founder of the ISKCON movement.  The more I learn about that man, the more I respect him.  He came all the way from India to the US, started a whole new life here so that he could fulfill his duty of writing books in the United States.  Sweetie and I are reading his book of the Bhagavad Gita, called "Bhagavad-Gita: As It Is", and I'm enjoying every word so far!  I'm really finding myself deeply interested in ISKCON and its principles and views.  Talking to my sweetie about it is so much fun, too!  I learn so much from him, and he's always so happy to answer my questions, no matter how insignificant or stupid they might be.  I could talk for hours about ISKCON and Krishna with him.
Anyway, goodness!  This post kind of derailed.  But the main point of this post is, I'm actually kind of proud of myself!  My anxiety before entering Kalachandji's was pretty bad.  But, I managed to accomplish at least part of what I wanted to do!  We ended up not going to the restaurant because the crowd was too large for me.  But, heck, we entered the temple, which was a big goal for me!  My sweetheart is a big part of why I've been able to overcome some of my anxieties lately.  He's so patient and loving with me, so when I get anxious, he's the one to tell me to breathe and to take things slowly.  I don't know what I'd do without him <3

4DE can Suck My Dick

At least, they could if I had a dick to suck.  Seriously, though, I'm getting SO pissed off with this company, it's not even funny.  In the past few months, I have spent approximately $200 on their pre-orders of My Little Pony plushies.  They put out pre-orders of favorite characters such as Fluttershy, Rarity, Doctor Whooves, and Princess Twilight Sparkle.  I ordered one of each character, and have been waiting, first with patience, for the pre-orders to be shipped to my home.  They gave a set date of June 30 (or possibly July 30, I can't freaking remember) where the ponies would be shipped out.  It never happened.  This company continues to push back the dates of their shipment, and now it's not even a set date.  It's a freaking SEASON.  So basically we could go the ENTIRE year without seeing hide nor hair of these plushies.  People are getting understandably frustrated with this company for being so lazy in their attempts to get the products out to their customers.  Why is it so difficult to get their shit together?  I just don't get it.  Even the Chinese bootleg company produces and ships at a steady rate.  It's a shame, too.  Because their plushies ARE quality plushies.  I personally have the Pinkie Pie one, and my boyfriend has the Twilight Sparkle one that I gave him.  They are quality, and for $30 each, they're actually really great plushies that other people could create and sell for hundreds of dollars.  I'm just so frustrated with this company, because, honestly, I just want my Fluttershy!  I don't care if I get the others or not, but I have really been excited about getting Fluttershy.

But I may never get her.  That's pretty damn disappointing.

My Nose Piercing Experience

Today was a good day.  Some might not see it that way, but it was a good day.  The reason I say that some might not find it to be a good day, is because I had a major meltdown in the car today.  Babe and I had lunch at this great vegan restaurant called The Spiral Diner.  Afterwards, we got back in the car, and I just lost it.  I don't think he's seen me cry this hard in a long time.  But he was so sweet, just held my hand and sat there with me.  I feel kind of bad, because I was afraid he wanted to get out of there, and I was just in the car sobbing like crazy.
Anyway, I decided I was okay enough to get my nose pierced.  So we headed to Epic Tattoos, where we met up with Mitzy, my piercer.  She was so cool and was really patient with my scared ass.  I was expecting to have some huge post detailing everything that happened, but...it really was easy as pie.  She had me lie down on the table, and I grabbed my boyfriend's hand while he sat next to me.  He was such a trooper.  I had his hand in a death grip because, I'll be honest, I was scared shitless of what was to happen.  I mean, the thought of a needle being shoved in one end and out the other...YIKES!  But, she had me lie down, and she basically just told me to inhale, and then deeply exhale.  When I exhaled, that was when she shoved the needle through.  It hurt for a split second when the needle first broke the skin.  But it wasn't until maybe 10-15 or so minutes later that it started hurting.  It was kind of funny, I had my eyes shut tight even for a little while after the stud was placed in my nostril.  Mitzy was like, "Yeah, you're done!" LOL.  I kind of felt like a jackass, but I didn't want to risk looking at a large needle stuck in my nostril, haha.  Anyway, the experience really was quite uneventful.  I was REALLY glad that my boyfriend was with me, though.  And I'm so glad he likes the piercing!  I love it, too.  I'm going to take better care of this piercing, and I won't let it close up like I let the last one.
So, tomorrow, depending on how both of us are feeling, is the Kirtan.  My FIRST Kirtan experience!  I'm actually excited about it.  Nervous, but excited.  So I guess I had better get some sleep so that I'm well-rested for tomorrow should we decide we're both well enough to go.  I'm hoping we get together a little earlier before the Kirtan, to spend time together and maybe go to lunch.  We'll see how it works out in the morning.
Later!

Super-Excited!

I really am excited for today.  It looks to be a fun, exciting weekend, and I am damned psyched for it!  My boyfriend and I are going to be getting together after he's done with his weekly Friday client (well, mostly weekly, anyway).  We're going to head over to Fort Worth, where we will have lunch at one of our favorite places, the Spiral Diner.  It's a REALLY good vegan restaurant.  I was actually surprised when I ate there for the first time with my guy.  I was expecting to not really care for it, because I've honestly never had a good experienced with vegetarian/vegan food previously.  But, the "V"LT sandwich I had was quite delicious!  They overdid it with the spices a little, but it really was good!  Anyway, we're going back there today, and I already know what I want to get!
Afterwards, we're going to go to Epic Tattoos, where I'm going to FINALLY get my nose re-pierced.  I used to have a nose piercing a few years ago, but it closed up after I got fed up trying to put a screw in.  I HATE nose screws.  They are secure, yes.  But they are the most obnoxious things in the world to try to put in.  I think I may stick with nose bones or those U-shaped studs.  Those seem much easier to deal with.  Anyway, I'm so excited to get it done again.  A little scared, though.  The last time I got it done, I passed out, for a couple of reasons.
1) I hadn't eaten anything, and so I was already pretty light-headed.
and
2) I had the worst adrenaline shock.  I didn't bleed, but it was such a rush that I just kind of...blacked out.  Luckily, the piercer had some cookies and water ready for me.  That was awesomely nice of her!
So, THIS time, I'm going to have learned my lesson.  I'll have plenty of food in my stomach, and I'll be well-hydrated.  Yep.
So, after that, we might go a couple of places, but we'll most likely head home and watch movies for the rest of the day.  I love just laying in bed with him and watching TV or movies.  That's something I love about my honey.  We can literally do anything together and it's always a great time.
Saturday is going to be loads of fun, too!  At 6 PM, there is going to be a Kirtan at Klyde Warren Park.  For those who don't know, a Kirtan is a Hare Krishna celebration where people gather to sing, dance, play instruments...  All to worship Krishna.  I have never been to a Kirtan before, and I'll admit I'm a little nervous about it.  Mostly, I'm scared of embarrassing my boyfriend, who is pretty well-known in his temple for his work as a physician as well as his teaching of Ayurveda in the community.  I REALLY don't want to embarrass him, although he has told me multiple times I could never embarrass him.  But, I think an outdoor Kirtan would be a good way to get introduced to the celebration.  It will probably be more casual, and since it's in a large park, I can find a more secluded spot to hide out on, so that I can sit back and let my honey do his thing if I get a little anxious.
That's the thing about having anxiety.  I have to know how to accommodate myself in various situations.  Some events are easier to accommodate myself than others.  I think this Kirtan will be easy to find some sort of accommodation, since I can just find an empty spot in the park to hide out and watch from afar if need-be.  I'm just excited to be doing something involving my guy's religion, something that is very important to him.  I have been trying to immerse myself in it and trying to learn all I can and show a genuine interest in Hare Krishna.
Well, I think I'm going to get out for a little bit, hit up Toys R Us to see if they got in Maud Pie yet.  I've been wanting to get my hands on her for a couple of months.  Later, bitches!

Zero

That's the amount of self confidence I have.  But, can you really blame me?  I mean, my birth parents tried to abort me.  My adoptive father has tried to get out of paying child support and taking care of my financially and emotionally.  I was bullied throughout school for various reasons.  If it wasn't for my cartoon t-shirts, it was for my weight.  Or for my shy nature.  Or for my anxiety.  I was ostracized plenty in school.
I've really lost my self confidence as the years went by.  I forgot who I was.  Honestly, the only person who really helped me stay Callie, was my grandma, GiGi.  But even then, I still feel so guilty about the way I had acted around her when her dementia got really bad.  I got scared, and distanced myself.  My therapists have all told me to move on, that she wouldn't want me to dwell on how I acted.  It was a small thing in comparison to how I was around her otherwise.  But still, anyone who knows me well knows I carry guilt for a LONG time.  Even when there's no reason to feel guilty in the first place.
Anyway, so, I'm starting to try to gain my self confidence back.  It's kind of a challenge when I get comments from strangers and ones from my dad, too.  It's hard when there are people who think I'm better off dead.  But I want to try to get the self-confidence I so desperately need.  If anything, I want to be the best girlfriend to my honey that I could possibly be.  And, if I have the self confidence to be proud of who I am, I can take care of myself and maybe my love won't feel the need to take care of me.  My ideal relationship is one where we rely on one another and can help one another emotionally.  If I have a little more self confidence, I can be there for him just like he can be there for me.
It's something that I'm working on.  It's a "one step at a time" process.  First off, I MUST learn to control my insecurity.  I can't have nightmares every time I'm worried about some other girl coming into the picture.  Which is weird, because I've never really been the jealous type.  It's that damn lack of self confidence, I tells ya.
Shit, y'all.  My favorite episode of The Cleveland Show is on now.  I'm going to cut this off now and watch some Kevin Michael Richardson awesomeness.  Later, gators!

Ink and Piercings

I must admit, I'm a tattoo addict.  I ADORE getting tattoos.  As a cutter, there's something refreshing about having all that pain, with a beautiful piece of art as the result instead of a bunch of mindless gashes in my skin.  I have...geez, I lost count of how many tattoos I have.  More than 10, I know.  And I would like more.  In fact, one of these days, I would like to get a bass guitar on my leg.  More specifically, I want to get the bass guitar from FLCL on my leg.  First off, FLCL is one of my favorite anime.  And, Kari Wahlgren is my favorite voice actress.  AND, the bass guitar is my favorite musical instrument.  So, it would be such a perfect tattoo for me.
I'm not as obsessed with piercings, however.  I used to have my ears pierced.  I say "used to" because, while one hole is still open, the other closed up.  I can't get an earring shoved through it to save my life.  It would be nice to have them re-pierced, though.  There are plenty of earrings that I really like and would wear on a consistent basis, so I figure it would be worthwhile to get them re-pierced.  Today, I was supposed to go to Epic Tattoos with my boyfriend to get my nose pierced.  Unfortunately, my honey has not been feeling well today, so we're having to postpone that.  It's okay, though, we WILL get it done.  I'm excited about it.  My guy thinks girls with nose rings are pretty hot, so I'm REALLY excited to sort of "pretty" myself up for him.
I'm hoping we'll get there very soon.  But, the most important thing right now is for my baby to feel better!  <3